Zoë's BlogA few of my intimate thoughts on healing, transformation and embodying our most expressive self
2020 has changed us all – I’m certain – in ways which have rocked us to our core selves. It has demanded that we finally face that ever-looming question:
“Who even AM I?”
Who am I beyond all the trappings of my most familiar life, inside my unconscious habits and routines, repeating my usual exercise patterns, eating my go-to foods and binge-watching my favourite shows? Who am I without the job, or the workplace, the colleagues, the peers and clients I once had? Who am I if my kids are at home and my roles as a person on this planet also now include educator and professional, simultaneous, multi-tasking circus act? Who am I if I can’t see my friends, my family?
Who am I in my solitude? When it’s literally just me?
I’ve lived a life of chronic illness – asthma, allergies, eczema, sinus infections, headaches (and later migraines), hyperhydrosis, irregular periods, chronic fatigue, manic depressive disorder – multiple conditions which required constant attention and which prevented me from living my life fully.
It wasn’t until I started allowing my body to express what it most needed that I began to heal, from the inside out.
As much sleep as we lose, as much time as we give (and give and give), as much emotional Twister that we play over and over and over – we never give up on our kids. Because the payoff costs too much for our souls to bear.
Yet we are so ready to give up on ourselves, and the payoff is every time another little piece of us dies inside.
And I realised, within that love-flooded bubble I found myself in (still in the first few moments of waking), that we don’t “birth” our soul’s work. That’s just the hump right at the beginning – and sure, sometimes we don’t even reach that part, right?
Allowing yourself to access Joy does not equal a bypass – not unless you stay stuck on the side of ignorance, indifference and naivety. But if we move through the darkness whilst honouring, acknowledging and fully embracing it, there is a point on the other side… into a new lightness. A lightness saturated with our wisdom of the darkness. A lightness which gently reminds us how very fragile life can be, and so our only real work on this earth, in our vapour-like existence, is to embrace Joy in every possible moment, and to keep getting better at doing so.
Who was I? What lit me up? What would I do in life if there were no other restrictions or complications?
Nobody had ever asked me those questions. I had only ever followed my academically-defined strengths. Yet within his safe space, with my soul-partner at my side, the answer immediately fell out of me:
“I’d be an artist and a writer”.
As my brain and mouth synchronised to form the words, my body threw up another answer: “But that’s not possible!”. Everything within me contracted in nausea, shame and waves of worthlessness.
The polarisation of play and experimentation is the dogma and rigidity of ‘fact’. Instead of leaning into what is true for us, in this moment, we are being forced to accept a top-down ruling of what must be true for all, at every time. Like any rigid structure, this poses many problems, especially when dealing with any naturally organic entity – be it an animal or an ecosystem. Flow, rhythm, flexibility, elastic-like resilience and the deepest understanding of interconnecting relationships are so crucial to our survival *and* our positive evolution.